First Beard Gone
by Teddy1008
Summary: Kili used to have a beard. But one morning, when he woke up, it was gone. Kili believes that Fili shaved it off just to vex him, and Fili tries to prove that he is innocent. But is he? Now, an all-out prank war has begun between the two mischievous brothers and Thorin is often caught in the middle of it.
1. Beards and Bugs

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. This story is not meant to violate the rights held by New Line, Tolkien Enterprises, nor any other licensee, nor is any disrespect intended.**

**Author's Note: I'm not sure how long this story will be. Not sure how it'll go. But something keeps nagging at me to write something a bit happier instead of the usual stories I write. So, without further wait, ENJOY! Please review at the end!**

**Summary: Kili used to have a beard. But one morning, when he woke up, it was gone. Kili believes that Fili shaved it off just to vex him, and Fili tries to prove that he is innocent. But is he? Now, an all-out prank war has begun between the two mischievous brothers and Thorin is often caught in the middle of it.**

**Chapter One: Beards and Bugs**

* * *

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

With a snarl and a surprised cry, Thorin flailed for his sword, snatching it up and racing to where the scream came from. He burst through the room that Fili and Kili shared, demanding, "Where is it? Who is it? What happened?"

Kili was deathly white and Thorin was afraid that he was ill, until Kili screamed, "MY BEARD!"

Thorin blinked. "Your what?" Realisation dawned upon him when he noticed Kili's now-smoothly shaved chin. "Kili, whatever happened to your beard?"

Kili's first ever beard was gone.

Thorin placed his sword on the ground before examining his nephew. Kili had been a bit slow with growing a beard, and others had teased him for it. Then, one day, to Kili's delight, he had found stubble on his chin, and had begun to grow a beard that was almost as great as Thorin's, in his opinion.

But it was gone.

Thorin grimaced, knowing that Kili's pride was hurt. Dwarves took beards seriously. For Kili's beard to be shaved off ... Thorin 'tsked'. "How unfortunate."

"How unfortunate?" Kili shrieked. He leaped out of his bed, still pale in the face. "Unfortunate? Aye, uncle! Unfortunate indeed!" Kili paced the room, then muttered a foul curse that made Thorin grimace again. Then he stopped. "Fili," he said out loud. "Where is my brother?"

Thorin shrugged. "He woke up early this morning," he replied. "Headed off somewhere snickering, if I remember correctly. I asked him what was so funny, and he merely answered with another fit of laughter."

"Fili did it!" Kili shrieked. "He did this!" Kili moaned as he ran his nimble fingers over the barely-visible stubble that remained. "Oh, I'll get him back for this. Perhaps I should shave his beard, too!"

"Kili," Thorin tried to reason.

"Or perhaps I'll tie him to a tree out for an entire day where I can laugh at him."

"Kili, you have no proof-"

"I don't need proof, uncle," Kili answered smoothly as he put on his boots. "I'm almost positive that he did it. Only my brother would do something so ... so ... so sneaky and disgusting!"

"Indeed?" Thorin murmured, raising an eyebrow as Kili snatched up his coat and began to put it on. "And what will you do now?"

"Go after him," Kili answered grimly as he slammed the door shut behind him.

Thorin winced.

* * *

"FILI!"

Fili turned, then grinned when he saw his little brother, red-faced and furious-looking.

"Fili!" Kili bellowed again.

Fili frowned. "Aye, brother? What has gotten you in such a fit?"

"THIS!" Kili snarled. He jabbed a finger at his beard - or rather, lack of it - and Fili frowned again.

"How unfortunate."

"Unfortunate?" Kili snarled. "I hate that word!"

Fili flinched when his brother grabbed the front of his coat and began to shake him, hissing, "You did this, didn't you? My first ever beard!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, brother," Fili answered, dodging his brother's fist aimed at his head. "Really, I don't. Whatever happened to your beard? The beard that you were so proud of!"

"You shaved it off!" Kili roared. He pointed a finger at Fili. "I'll get you back for this," he threatened. "You'd better watch out, brother. You'd better sleep with your eyes open, or else you might find something happened to your beard!"

Fili stepped back, a look of mortification on his face. "No, Kili!" he sputtered. "You have no prove, sir! You can't blame me without any proof."

"Oh, yes I can!" Kili bellowed again, making Fili wince. "I'll show you, brother!" He turned and stomped away.

Fili rolled his eyes.

* * *

Kili paced his room, muttering under his breath and narrowing his eyes. He was still vexed. A dwarf's beard was his pride. To shave one's beard off ... it was a huge insult.

Kili very couldn't shave off his brother's beard, since he knew his uncle wouldn't be quite pleased at his first heir's lack of beard, but Kili knew that he could get his brother back in a different way.

_It has been a long time since I pranked him_, Kili mused. They usually pranked their uncle or someone else together, rarely going against each other. It seemed it would be different this time. Kili headed outside, scuffling through the dead leaves on the ground.

"Kili? What are you doing?"

Kili looked up. Ori, his friend, was staring at him in a puzzled way. His eyes flashed with shock when he saw the barely-visible stubble on Kili's chin. "I'm gathering bugs," Kili answered casually.

"Kili!" Ori sputtered. "Where's your beard?"

"Fili shaved it off," Kili growled.

"Oh, I see," Ori said with a nod. "You're planning to get him back, aren't you? Well, Kili? What are you going to do?"

"I'm gathering bugs to put in his bed," Kili answered absently. He plucked out a caterpillar and a worm with two fingers, dropping them into a small jar.

Ori winced. "He won't enjoy that."

"He's not supposed to enjoy it," Kili muttered. He straightened up, the jar filled with a surprisingly large amount of small critters. "How does this look?"

"Terrifying," Ori said, taking a few steps back.

Kili pulled his arm back toward him. "Oh, sorry. I forgot that you were scared of bugs."

"Irritated, not scared!" Ori sputtered. He gave Kili a look. "And don't you dare tell Nori that bugs sc - er, irritate me."

"Of course I won't," Kili answered with a grin. He nodded to Ori. "Have a good day."

"You as well," Ori replied, watching Kili stride toward the house. "I'm sure you'll enjoy your - er - entertainment today."

"Oh, I will," Kili tossed over his shoulder with a grin. Then he shut the door.

* * *

Dinner was rather unusual.

Kili kept throwing a glance at Fili, smirking every time his eyes met his brother's. Fili was slightly puzzled, confused by the looks his brother kept giving him, always accompanied with a smirking grin. Thorin was exasperated by their behaviour, knowing that Kili had done something.

_I hope he doesn't plan to explode the oven again_, Thorin thought dryly. One time was enough.

"May I be excused, Uncle?" Fili asked, just to be polite.

Thorin tilted his head with a small nod, knowing that Fili was uncomfortable with Kili's mischievous smirks. He watched his eldest heir hurry away and turned to his youngest nephew with a sigh.

"What have you done, Kili?" he asked, slightly exasperated.

Kili widened his eyes. "Nothing!" he protested. "What makes you think I've done anything?"

"I saw that smirk as many times as Fili saw it," Thorin retorted. "I know that you've done something to your brother. What is it?"

"Uncle, even if I had, I wouldn't tell you," Kili replied casually, finishing his meal.

Feeling a flash of annoyance at his nephew's cheek, he stood up, saying, "Clear the table and do the dishes, Kili. I have to go to the forge."

He heard Kili's groan and chuckled silently. He didn't really have to go to the forge, it could wait until tomorrow, but he really didn't want to experience Kili's mischief in case he got caught in it as well.

Like one specific time.

_"Kili, why are you looking so happy?" Thorin asked the youngster, puzzled._

_"Because happy is a good feeling," Kili chirped._

_Thorin blinked. Where did his nephew get those words from? "What mischief have you gotten in this time, little troublemaker?" Thorin growled playfully, tickling Kili's stomach, snatching him up._

_Kili squealed, writhing as Thorin tickled him even more. "U-uncle! Nooooooo! Stop!" he begged, giggling even more. His eyes widened when Thorin headed toward a nearby tree to sit under. "No! Uncle, wait!"_

_Thorin gave him a puzzled look. "There is nothing wrong with that tree, little one," he said, setting down the youngster as he strode over._

_"But - but -" Kili bit his lip, tensing and waiting for Thorin's yell. Sure enough, it came._

_"ARGH!"_

_Kili opened his eyes a bit again, and headed over to the base of the tree. His uncle hung upside down, a rope keeping him dangling by his ankle._

_"Kili," Thorin growled. "You just wait until I get my hands on you."_

_Kili smiled weakly._

Thorin chuckled at the memory, entering the forge. He nodded to a few other dwarves as he passed them, and they nodded back civilly. Thorin grabbed a hammer, preparing to get some work started.

* * *

Thorin returned, sweating and exhausted. He entered the house, pulling off his boots immediately and throwing them carelessly to the side.

Yelling was heard upstairs. Thorin grimaced, preparing himself. Then he opened the door to the room his nephews shared with each other.

Fili and Kili both froze. Pillows were clutched in their hands, one of them half-exploded. The room was a mess (it always was).

Thorin growled. "Fili, Kili," he said in a low tone. "What happened?"

"He put bugs in my bed!" Fili sputtered. "He knows how much I hate bugs! And ... and spiders!" Fili shuddered.

Thorin glared at Kili, who smirked. "He deserved it," Kili told his uncle. "He shaved off my first beard. He asked for it, uncle."

Thorin sighed.

"This is only the start, uncle, you do know that?" Kili said, rather happily.

Thorin sighed again. "Why are you looking so happy, Kili?" he asked.

"Because happy is good feeling," Kili answered cheekily with a grin.

Thorin groaned.

* * *

**End of Chapter One**

**Author's Note: Chapter Two will probably be up soon. Maybe in a few days or a week? I'm not sure. I hope you enjoyed! Please take the time to REVIEW! Tell me what you thought. ;) I'm taking in ideas, I could sure use them! I need them, actually! Please REVIEW!**


	2. Devil Kittens

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. This story is not meant to violate the rights held by New Line, Tolkien Enterprises, nor any other licensee, nor is any disrespect intended.**

**Author's Note: Wow! Thanks for all the great reviews, everyone! I'm pleased! I didn't think that it would make anyone laugh (I'm not that good at writing humour). Apparently a few people let out a few giggles. :p I hope you enjoy this one as well!**

**Chapter Two: Devil Kittens**

* * *

"You wouldn't dare!" Kili sputtered.

"I do dare." Fili smirked.

"I'll tell uncle."

"No, you won't."

"And why won't I?"

"Because I say so."

"Because it ruins your reputation?"

"Aye!"

Thorin sighed as the two brothers squabbled. He bit the inside of his cheek, suppressing a laugh, when Kili snarled at another dwarf, who commented on his lack of beard. It was a positive comment, yet Kili disliked them all. As Kili shrieked, Thorin grimaced.

"Kili! Keep your voice down!" he roared to the two brothers.

Another shriek.

Thorin sighed. Dwalin glanced at him. "Go, Thorin," he said to the exiled king. "I'll take over for you."

"Thank you, Dwalin," Thorin murmured, handing his friend the hammer.

Exiting the forge, he saw another dwarf pass. The dwarf was a good friend of his, going by the name of Bofur. The toymaker beamed at the two as he paused, nodding at Kili and saying, "You look mighty handsome with that stubble, Master Kili."

Kili snarled, and Bofur looked rather offended. Thorin stepped forward, placing a hand on the toymaker's shoulder. "Forgive my nephew," he said in a warm voice. "Kili has been rather ... vexed lately."

"You would be vexed too, uncle, if Fili had shaven off your beard," Kili grumbled.

"Did you, Fili?" Bofur chuckled, slapping Fili's back affectionately. "Good going, lad. You make him look youthful with that."

"I am youthful," Kili huffed.

Thorin gave him a hard pinch to remind him of his place amongst the adult dwarves. Scowling, Kili rubbed his arm and Bofur smiled before striding away, nodding a quick goodbye to Thorin.

"You, my lad, need to learn some manners," Thorin commented as the three began to stride toward the field where Kili and Fili often went to hang out in. "I've taught you better."

Kili looked slightly ashamed, saying, "Apologies, Uncle. I let my temper run."

"He always does," Fili chirped, and Kili swatted his shoulder irritably.

Laughing, the two brothers ran off and Thorin watched them, hands clasped behind his back, content enough to enjoy the peace of no pranks as long as possible.

* * *

Kili watched his uncle stride out. Thorin was very busy lately. He had been leaving to work at the forge starting from dawn to midnight, if not later. Kili did not envy his uncle.

Meanwhile, he wasn't that happy either.

_Fili can't tell Thorin_, he thought in a dismayed voice. _If ... If Thorin finds out, he'll burst out laughing and my dignity will be ruined!_

With a sigh, Kili went to find his merciless brother. To his dismay, he found Fili helping out Bofur and Bifur at their toy shop. His brother was carving something out of wood.

"What are you doing?" Kili asked warily.

Fili grinned and tossed him the wooden figure he had just finished carving. Kili stared down at it. "A cat?" Kili glared at Fili. "Fili!"

Fili grinned even more and pointed to the counter. To Kili's dismay and horror, a young striped tabby kitten sat on the counter, purring as Bifur stroked him.

Kili stepped back, seeing Bofur's puzzled look. "Do you want to pet him, lad?" Bofur asked curiously.

"No, thank you," Kili muttered, shooting his brother a death glare as he flung the carved kitten at Fili, who ducked. "I don't like cats."

"He's scared of them," Fili offered helpfully.

"I'm not scared of them!" Kili sputtered. "I just don't like them. And they don't like me."

"Let's find out," Fili grinned. He picked up the tabby, who stared at Kili in what seemed like disdain.

Deciding it was time to leave, Kili quickly turned and strode away, leaving his brother and the kitten behind.

* * *

"Uncle, why can't we have a cat as a pet?" Fili asked casually as he scooped some more soup into his mouth.

Kili shot a furious glare at him. Thorin frowned at the two of them. "We have no time for pets, Fili," Thorin said in a rough voice. "We can't afford the time to care of one."

"Bofur has a cat," Fili offered.

Kili bit his lip. He could tell where this was going.

"Bofur is not as busy as we are," Thorin grumbled. "Now drop the matter, Fili. No pets. And there's an end to our discussion."

Kili grinned when Fili pouted, obviously disappointed. Kili didn't mind. Cats ... Kili shivered a bit. He hated cats. He shot a furious glare at Fili, who shot him a sneaky glance.

Oh, what was his brother planning? Kili sighed. Revenge, obviously. Revenge for the bug incident.

_I'll drop a spider into his breeches if he throws a cat at me_, Kili thought dryly. _Let's see how much he enjoys that, hmm?_

"May I be excused, Uncle?"

Thorin gave a curt nod and Fili sprang up before hurrying away. Kili scowled down at his half-eaten plate.

"Not hungry?"

Kili glanced up, shaking his head.

Thorin sighed. "Don't be so miserable, little one," he said softly. "Your beard shall grow again."

"How fast?" Kili grumbled. "It took a year just to grow that much stubble, and now it's gone."

"It shall grow," Thorin repeated.

_Mighty comforting that is_, Kili thought sarcastically. Quickly finishing his plate so that he could escape to his room, he mumbled, "May I be excused?"

Thorin nodded, and he jumped out of his seat as well, hurrying upstairs before Thorin made him do the dishes again.

* * *

Thorin tossed in the rest of the dishes into the cupboard before wiping his hands and sighing. He glared when thumps were heard upstairs.

"Kili!" he roared. "Fili! Stop that racket!"

"UNCLE! FILI'S CHASING ME!"

With an annoyed huff, Thorin hurried upstairs. Slamming the door open, he began to demand, "What's going on-?", before a blur of gray fur flashed past him. "What in the name of Mahal-?"

Thorin stared as six cats dashed out of the room, leaping out of the windows. Thorin grimaced.

Fili and Kili stared at him; Fili was grinning madly and Kili was panting heavily, looking terrified.

"Fili was chasing me with those ... those devil kittens!" Kili howled in protest.

"Devil kittens?" Thorin frowned. "They look like normal kittens to me."

"And he knows how much I hate cats!" Kili snarled.

"Kili put a spider into my breeches!" Fili announced. He grinned. "And he's scared of cats.

Kili tackled Fili to the ground, snarling, "You promised you wouldn't tell anyone!"

Thorin rolled his eyes, shutting the door to let the two strangle each other. "And this is exactly why we can't have pets," he muttered under his breath as he strode off to get some sleep.

* * *

**End of Chapter Two**

**Author's Note: Sorry, I know that chapter sucked. I would appreciate ideas, I'm not the best at humor so SOS! :p Please review! The more ideas I get, the faster I can update. Thanks for reading!**


	3. Outside

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. This story is not meant to violate the rights held by New Line, Tolkien Enterprises, nor any other licensee, nor is any disrespect intended.**

**Author's Note: Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I hope you enjoy! This chapter is dedicated to ****_LavenderCrystalOfRoses _****for the great idea! ;) Please REVIEW at the end!**

**Chapter Three: Outside**

* * *

"Sometimes I really hate you," Kili commented as he rubbed his still-shaved chin. He scowled as he peered at his appearance in the mirror. "You know, that was my first beard."

"I didn't do it," Fili said with a shrug. "I don't know who did."

Kili glared at Fili in the mirror as Fili gave him an innocent look. "You might want to sleep with your eyes open, brother," he threatened with a smirk. "Or else you'll find your beard gone."

He laughed inwardly as Fili's hands flew toward his moustache and beard that he was so proud of, and he quickly strode off. He needed revenge. He had loathed Fili's prank toward him - the prank with the devil kittens. He had been terrified when he had opened the door and six cats had been on his bed or stalking around, mewing to each other.

Kili had screamed, and Fili had burst with laughter at the sight of the horrified look on Kili's face. Kili had snatched up a jar of spiders and had threw them at Fili, and then it had been his turn to laugh his head off. Then he had proceeded to drop a spider down his older brother's breeches and had been enjoying watching Fili squirm when their uncle had yelled up at them to be quiet.

Kili needed a careful planner. Someone who was thoughtful, smart, and willing to help him. The dwarf that matched his expectations popped into his mind and Kili rushed off to find his friend.

"Ori!" he called as he ran into the field.

Kili halted next to his friend. Ori had been sketching a flower in his notebook carefully, jotting down some notes that Kili didn't really care about. "I need your help," Kili said.

Ori looked up at him. "What is it?"

Kili smirked. "Come with me and I'll explain."

As they walked and Kili talked, a dwarf passed him and noticed the absence of the second prince's beard.

"You look far younger, Master Kili," the dwarf said politely. "And much more handsomer. The ladies shall be fawning after you soon." The dwarf gave him an expecting smile.

Kili gritted his teeth and managed to say, "Thank you."

The dwarf nodded and strode off.

Ori watched him before saying, "You sounded strained."

"You would sound strained if people commented on your lack of beard every time they saw you," Kili grumbled. At least he had been polite. Thorin had told him off for snapping at one of his friends for teasing him about the beard he didn't have anymore.

_"At least say 'thank you'," Thorin sighed. "Else everyone shall think that I raised you wrong."_

_"All right," Kili grumbled. "But I don't like it."_

Indeed he didn't.

* * *

Fili wove his hair into braids the way Thorin had done for him when he was younger. He had already done the beads for his moustache and beard - at least he still had his, unlike Kili. He grinned when he remembered the shocked look on Kili's face when he had looked at himself in the mirror for the first time without his beard.

"Fili!"

Fili turned when he heard his younger brother call his name. "What is it, Kee?" he called back.

Kili entered the room with Ori. "Dwalin's looking for you," Kili said casually, sitting on his bed and gesturing for Ori to sit as well. "He said he wanted to talk to you."

Fili frowned. He quickly finished up the braids he had been doing, putting the clasp on, before nodding and walking out. He did not notice the triumphant smirk Kili had as he passed.

* * *

Kili watched his brother go before locking the door to the house. He quickly shut all the windows and locked them as well, and set the fireplace to fire in case his brother thought he could enter by chimney. He would see the smoke.

"Kili, are you sure this is a good idea?" Ori asked timidly.

"It's fine," Kili assured. "Fili won't mind too much."

"But Thorin will, won't he?"

Kili grimaced. "Thorin ... will have a bigger reaction to this than Fili," he agreed reluctantly.

"He'll murder you," Ori said bluntly. He looked out of the window. "It's starting to rain. When is Thorin returning?"

"Soon. And my revenge plan against Fili will be even better if it rains."

"He'll starve," Ori warned.

"He has food with him, Ori." Kili rolled his eyes. "And weapons. He always sticks his knives and weapons everywhere possible."

Ori giggled at that. Then he turned solemn. "I should go now," Ori said. "I promised Dori that I would be back at home by the time the sun begins to set."

"You can't go now," Kili scowled. "I've locked everything. How are you going to get out?"

Ori huffed. "Just unlock the door, Kili!" he pleaded. "Then you can lock it again."

"You just don't want to face Thorin's wrath," Kili grumbled, but he allowed Ori to walk out. He locked the door again when Ori left, and headed up to his room, knowing that it would not be long before Fili figured out what was happening.

Sure enough, ten minutes later, a pounding on the door sounded.

"KILI!" Fili's voice bellowed. "OPEN THIS DOOR! NOW!"

"Nope!" Kili called, opening the window a crack.

Fili looked up. He had his cloak and hood on, blocking the rain from hitting at his body and face. "You little brat!" Fili huffed. "Wait till uncle gets word of this!"

"He will!" Kili agreed.

Fili glared up at him. "You'll have to open the door for Thorin anyway," he growled.

"No, I won't," Kili said.

"You will."

"I won't."

"You. Will."

"I. Won't."

"Kili."

"Fili."

Kili was enjoying himself. Fili looked vexed.

"Open this door now."

"No, thank you."

"You will."

"Nope."

"Kili. Open the door before I bash through it," Fili threatened.

"That would not be wise," a voice stated dryly. "I've had enough things broken and bashed by my nephews."

Kili and Fili both looked toward the source of the voice. Thorin glared up at Kili.

"I would appreciate it if you opened the door for us."

Kili promptly shut the window and laid on his bed, preparing himself for his brother's and uncle's wrath.

* * *

**End of Chapter Three**

**Author's Note: Sorry, not that funny. As I've said before, I'm not that good with humor. So, I would appreciate more ideas! Thanks for reading, and please REVIEW!**


	4. In a State of Au Natural

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. This story is not meant to violate the rights held by New Line, Tolkien Enterprises, nor any other licensee, nor is any disrespect intended.**

**Author's Note: Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I'm sorry for the wait. I hope you enjoy! This chapter is dedicated to ****_Stardurin1217_** **for this awesome idea! ;) Please REVIEW at the end! And take note that I'm taking in every suggestion. I've got a pin on each one. Anyway, ENJOY!**

**Read. Enjoy. Review.**

**Chapter Four: In a State of Au Natural**

* * *

Fili frowned when he caught Kili snickering with Ori beside him.

"You should have seen his face," Kili said as Fili passed by him with a suspicious look. "My brother was outraged."

_Within good reason_, Fili thought dryly. Thorin had not been so happy when he had found himself locked out of the house by his youngest nephew.

"_Kili! Open this door!" Thorin roared._

_Kili peeked out of the window. "Are you angry?" he chirped._

_"Not at all," Thorin growled. The look on his face told him the exact opposite of what kind of emotions he was feeling at the moment._

_Kili stepped back. "I don't want to open the door if you're angry," he said._

_"I'm not that happy," Fili heard Thorin mutter._

_"Kili, open the door," Fili sighed. "Please."_

_"But you're mad as well," Kili protested._

_"Not at all." Fili echoed Thorin's words with a scowl._

_Kili frowned down at them for a moment before saying, "I'll open the door when you're un-mad." Then, before his brother or his uncle could retort, he shut the window._

_Fili muttered a filthy curse under his breath. He glanced at Thorin warily to see if he heard, but then, to his astonishment, Thorin himself muttered a nasty Khuzdul word as well._

_Fili decided to pretend that he hadn't heard. He really didn't want to add more rage to his uncle's temper by commenting._

Thorin's keys had been inside the house, Fili remembered. Thorin had thought that his nephews would open the door for him - they normally did.

They had managed to get into the house when the sun began to set and Fili's anger had disappeared (hunger and desperation had taken its place).

_"I'll open the door if you promise not to yell," Kili debated._

_Thorin and Fili nodded. They really wanted to get inside. For the past few hours, they had been locked out and others had been giving them slightly strange looks as they paced and muttered darkly._

_"You promise?"_

_"We promise," Fili and Thorin grated out._

_Kili frowned. "You swear?"_

_"Kili, for Mahal's sake! Open the darn door!" Thorin shouted._

_"You yelled," Kili pointed out generously._

_Fili could see that his uncle's patience had reached his end. He grimaced, waiting for the explosion. It never came. He and Kili were both surprised when Thorin breathed deeply before saying, "I won't yell anymore. Please, Kili, let us in."_

_Kili hesitated before giving a nod and heading downstairs to let his brother and uncle in. As they walked to the door, relieved, Thorin gave Fili a smack upside the head, muttering, "I blame you for this."_

_Fili had gaped._

Fili was just relieved that it was all over - well, the pranks weren't probably over but at least they were inside.

* * *

Kili was currently taking a bath. He let the water soak into his skin and sighed. It felt good. He would stay here for hours if he had a choice. And he did have a choice.

With a content look, Kili sank deeper into the tub.

He grinned at the memory of his outraged brother and uncle. Of course, Thorin had been terrifying when he had begun to curse (aye, Kili had heard every word of it when his uncle had thought that he hadn't), yet Kili had stood firm until Thorin finally gave in.

And he hadn't missed the smack Thorin had given Fili for getting him pulled into the prank. The look on Fili's face had been even more amusing. Kili closed his eyes, dozing off in the warm tub.

* * *

Fili picked the lock on the washroom door, just as Ori's older brother, Nori, had taught him how to. He needed revenge. With a grin on his face, he smirked when he saw Kili asleep in the tub. Even better. His plan was going well.

He quickly shoved Kili's clothing into a small bag he had brought with him. Then he snuck out, shutting the door behind him. Fili hurried away. It would not be long before Kili got out of the tub and Thorin saw what he was doing.

Carefully and quietly, Fili stored his brother's clothing under his uncle's bed, knowing that Kili would never check there. He picked up all the clothes that Kili had, mercifully leaving a shirt and shorts for him after a thought before storing all of them under Thorin's bed.

Then he innocently sat down in front of the fireplace and waited for dinner to be finished.

"Fili, dinner is ready," Thorin said, setting out plates. He frowned. "Where is Kili?"

"He's still in the shower," Fili replied innocently, sitting at the table. "He'll probably join us soon."

Thorin let out a 'hmph' and began eating. Fili quickly began to eat as well, waiting for the explosion.

And it came.

"FILI, YOU-" And here, Kili inserted a rather rude Khuzdul word.

Thorin grimaced from his place beside Fili and muttered, "Now just where did he learn that?"

A moment later, Kili came pounding down the stairs, face flushed in fury and embarrassment. Fili cocked a grin. "My, my, brother. You are certainly in a state of ... uh, _au natural_."

Kili flushed even more, if possible. "You ... Why you-" He inserted another word that made Fili and Thorin both grimace.

"Nephew, I do suggest you get some clothing," Thorin said with a grimace again.

Swearing nasty curses, Kili turned and stormed upstairs where Fili knew he would find the shirt and shorts he had left for his brother. Later, grumbling, Kili came down and seated himself. He shot Fili a nasty look, which he ignored.

Thorin chuckled and earned himself a death glare as well.

* * *

Two days later, Thorin found himself with his clothes missing as well. "KILI!" he roared. "KILI, YOU GET OVER HERE NOW!"

Kili hurried over as Thorin covered himself with a towel. "Yes, uncle?" Kili asked innocently.

Thorin snarled. "Hand over my clothes from me," he demanded. "Now, Kili!"

Kili frowned. "If you tell me why my clothes were under _your _bed."

Thorin blinked. "What? I never stole your clothing!"

The uncle and nephew both exchanged a dark look. Then they both bellowed, "FILI!"

Upstairs in his room, Fili snickered.

* * *

**End of Chapter Four**

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading. PLEASE REVIEW and ideas would be nice for the next chapter!**


	5. Worms

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. This story is not meant to violate the rights held by New Line, Tolkien Enterprises, nor any other licensee, nor is any disrespect intended. **

**Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I enjoyed reading them and they made me so happy! Ideas would be appreciated for the next chapter as well, I often get writer's block with humor fics ... ;( Anyway, please enjoy and REVIEW!**

**Chapter Five**

**Read. Enjoy. Review.**

* * *

Kili was gathering worms as if this was a perfectly normal thing to do on this hot, sunny day. He had jar beside him, filled with big, fat, juicy worms. He knew how much Fili hated bugs. He got squeamish.

This was one advantage Kili could use against his older brother.

He could not believe that Fili had _dared_ to take his clothing from him when he had been taking a shower!

_"Fili, you ... you ...!" Kili inserted a foul word that would have burned off the ears of Thorin if he had been nearby. Luckily, he was still retrieving his clothes, grumbling to himself about pesky nephews and what annoying children his sister had left him with._

_Fili tutted. "Such nasty language, little dwarf," he said in scolding tone, making Kili hiss in disgust. "Thorin would have your mouth washed out for that, calling me such a foul name!"_

_"I still can't believe you took my clothes from me," Kili grumbled. "My clothes!"_

_Fili seemed to hide a smirk. "Be thankful I left you at least shorts and a t-shirt," he said, flicking Kili on the ear. "I could have let you stay _au natural_, you know."_

_Kili narrowed his eyes, flinching at the thought. "You wouldn't!"_

_Fili tapped his chin, as if thinking. "Perhaps I should have," he thought out loud in a pondering voice. "It would have certainly taught you some manners."_

_Kili roared and leaped at Fili._

_Then he proceeded to pummel his brother into the ground, snarling nasty curses even as he did so._

Kili picked out another long worm. It wriggled in his hand, as if wanting to escape. Kili gave a grin and dropped the critter into the jar. If carefully planned, this would go well. If not, then he would most likely be murdered by his brother and possibly his uncle.

_What a happy family we have_, Kili thought cheerfully as he searched for more worms.

"What are you doing?"

Kili turned. Ori was staring at him, eyes wide with puzzlement, his notebook and writing tools clutched within his grasp as always. "Gathering worms," Kili answered absently. "Want to help?"

"No, thank you!" Ori shivered. "I hate worms. They're so squishy and soft and they ... they _burst _when you step on them! I don't see why you want them."

Kili smirked and paused to turn and grin at his friend. "Exactly the reason I want them for. They're squishy and they burst." He turned and peered at his jar. The worms wriggled. "The more worms I get, the squishier it'll be!"

Ori shook his head. "Kili, I don't think that's how it works ..."

"If you or I stepped on them, they would feel slimy," Kili said with a thoughtful frown.

"And gross!" Ori added helpfully. "And besides, why would I step in them?"

Kili grinned. "Because it would be funny."

"I wouldn't think so." Ori wrinkled his nose.

"You would think so if it was someone else stepping on them," Kili said. "And if they didn't know that they were there."

Ori let out a small laugh. Then his eyes widened and he seemed to realize what Kili was planning. "Oh, no, Kili. You wouldn't, would you?"

"Hmm?" Kili gave his friend an innocent look.

Ori gasped. "You do mean to do it!" he exclaimed. He frowned. "Kili, Mister Thorin and Fili will _kill _you."

"Just Fili," Kili corrected. "But it's Thorin who joins in as one of the victims of the prank, _accidentally_. Almost every time, I actually have no intention of pranking him, just my brother. For this." Kili ran a hand over his shaved chin.

Ori sighed and shook his head. "Well, I hope you survive this," he said, turning away. "Dori will be expecting me. I need to go."

Kili waved.

By the time the jar was full, he was now covered completely in dirt from head to toe, something he knew Thorin wouldn't be happy about.

Sighing, Kili entered the house, making sure that the jar was well hidden before he did so.

He saw Thorin narrowing his eyes when he saw his younger nephew appear in the doorway, covered in dirt. Before he could take one more step deeper into the house, Thorin snagged Kili's ear and tugged him back, making him yelp.

"Not another step," Thorin warned. "I won't have you tracking even more mud into the house. Take off those dirty clothing and go up to take a shower."

Grumbling, Kili did so.

He peeked into the room that he and Fili shared, checking that his brother wasn't there before entering and storing the jar of worms under his bed.

Neither Thorin or Fili would think to check there even if they found out what he was planning. With a mischievous smirk, Kili set off to wash off all the dirt from his face.

* * *

Fili hurried in for dinner, he couldn't believe that he had almost been late.

Thorin would have roared at him if he had actually been late. As a punishment for taking Thorin's and Kili's clothing, Thorin had decided that Fili would either go to Balin to help roll up old scrolls and store them, organized, or go to help Dwalin sharpen the weapons and work in the forge.

Fili had been required to help Balin today, something he was grateful for. He hated the inside of the forge; it was always boiling warm and made him get covered in soot. At least working with Balin was tidier.

He frowned when he saw Kili come down, hair wet from his shower. He sat down at the kitchen table, murmuring his thanks when Thorin handed him his dinner. Fili sat down beside his brother as well, eyeing him suspiciously.

"What have you been up to?" he asked warily.

Kili grinned. "Not much," he said.

All through dinner, Kili kept smirking. Fili became _terrified_.

* * *

Kili filled in his brother's shoes with the worms, chuckling quietly to himself as he did so. The next morning, his brother would get quite the surprise. Kili was left with extra worms, now wriggling rather weakly.

"Hmmm ... I can't just leave them to go to waste," Kili mused. He grinned. "I'll give them to Thorin."

And he filled up Thorin's boots as well.

Well, this would be exciting.

Sure enough, the next morning, he was woken up by a hard slap to his face by Fili's pillow. Kili sputtered and rolled off of his bed, saying, "What was that for?"

Fili shuddered. He only had to say one word. "Worms," he snarled.

Kili ran.

And as he fled for his life, he heard Thorin bellow, "KILI! GET OVER HERE, NOW!"

Kili ran even faster, all the while laughing.

* * *

**End of Chapter Five**

**Author's Note: Well, I hope that was good! Feedback would be nice. Ideas would be great as well! Please REVIEW!**


	6. Sewing Skills

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. This story is not meant to violate the rights held by New Line, Tolkien Enterprises, nor any other licensee, nor is any disrespect intended.**

**Author's Note: Wow! Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! I'm actually very surprised that people think this is funny. As I've said before, I'm not that good with humor but I always try my best, even though sometimes it really is a pain in the _derrière_. I hope you enjoyed this one as well!**

**Chapter Six: Sewing Skills**

* * *

Worms.

Fili still couldn't believe that his brother had done that. He shuddered, still remembering the squishy, gross feeling of the squashed worms under his feet in his shoes ... he had screamed when the worms had made a horrible, _horrible _squelching sound as they had been squashed.

He would truly never forget that one.

And now he was out for revenge. Even poor Thorin had been grumbling and muttering about the squashed worm juice all over the house, in his boots, on his socks, literally almost _everywhere_.

Fili smirked as he remembered his brother cleaning up the dirt and mud and remaining pieces of worms as a punishment. He really had truly deserved that. Grumbling, Kili had cleaned it up with an old rag, ruefully rubbing at his smooth chin.

Kili's beard, or rather, long stubble - it was simply too short to be called a beard, but too long to be called just stubble, hence the name 'long stubble' - had still not grown back.

"... li ... Fili!"

Fili jumped out of his thoughts and memories and turned to face his uncle. "Aye, Uncle?" he inquired.

Thorin still had the look of a grimace on his face, most likely from remembering the worms. "Bofur has requested that these would be delivered to him." Thorin pushed an old cloth bag of chopped wood into Fili's arms. "Go and give it to him. Kili shall be going with you."

Kili strode toward Fili with an innocent look on his face. Just before they left the house, Thorin stopped them, saying, "Oh, yes." He gave them a stern look. "I expect the two of you to stay out of trouble. Understood?"

"Yes, sir."

"Yes, sir."

"Good." And Thorin walked away.

Fili glared at Kili out from the corners of his eyes and Kili glanced back at him before raising his hands in a defensive gesture, saying, "You're still not mad about the worms, are you?"

"You would be just as equally annoyed if you had been the one to step on the disgusting things," Fili grumbled.

Kili pouted. "It was a joke," he pointed out. "Besides, it was revenge for taking my clothes while I was in the shower. It was warranted, and you deserved it."

"I am so tempted to hit you with the hardest block of wood possible right now."

* * *

"Ah! Thank you, laddies! I knew Thorin would come to my aid immediately!" Bofur accepted the wood with a jolly grin. Then he said, "Perhaps you would like a carving? A gift, as a 'thanks'!"

Fili glanced at his brother, who had a look of eagerness on his face, before regretfully turning to Bofur and saying, "Sorry, Mister Bofur. We don't have anything to pay for the toys at the moment."

"Drop the 'Mister', lad," Bofur reminded. "I've told you that before. And paying? Nonsense! I'll give both of you one for free each. Accept it, it's a gift."

Kili grinned his 'I'm-An-Angel' grin and Bofur smiled back before beginning to work on the carvings, gracefully chipping off wood to make a shape of a dog. He handed it to Kili, saying, "For you. This dog represents loyalty and playfulness, which are the main traits that you have. Keep it well."

Kili examined the dog with interest and adoration, murmuring, "How did you know that, Bofur?"

Bofur smiled a bit as he began to work on Fili's carving. Fili watched Bofur carve, wishing that his own fingers would be that skillful. But it was Kili's fingers that were nimble and quick in the family.

"Bifur told me, of course," Bofur was saying. "He always has a good interest in toys and what they represent." He sighed and glanced around slightly mournfully. "I wish that he would be here with me sometimes. It gets lonely when you're here by yourself."

"Is he still ... unwell?" Fili approached the subject carefully. He did not want to upset Bofur even more.

Bofur gave a sad nod. "He was injured badly, but he is healing well. But for some reason, after the orc axe got stuck in his skull, thank Mahal it didn't kill him, he only speaks Khuzdul. No Common Tongue."

Fili frowned. Before he could dwell any longer on the subject, Bofur handed him a carving of a lion. "A lion," Bofur said, "represents courage, strength, and pride. He is strong no matter what happens, no matter how injured he is, his pride remains still, as does his courage and strength. That is what makes this specific animal so fascinating."

_Like Bifur_, Fili realized. _Bofur is trying to say that Bifur is like a lion. No matter how wounded he is, like he is right now, he will always remain strong for others._

"I bet Uncle Thorin would be a grumpy cat," Kili joked as the two younger dwarves headed outside.

Bofur, hearing his comment, let out a chortle. Fili paused and placed a hand on his uncle's friend's shoulder, murmuring, "I'm sorry for bringing up such memories."

Bofur sobered, saying, "It's nothing, lad. In fact, the two of you made it better." He gave a small smile. "Trust the sons of Durin to cheer things up."

* * *

Fili placed the lion on the table, then began to think.

Revenge.

He need to have revenge on his little brother. Kili, at the moment, was rather leisurely and relaxed, thinking that Fili was no longer plotting to get him back.

_Well, he's in for a surprise soon_, Fili thought with a smirk.

His eyes wandered around the room, then stopped at a needle. He smirked even more. Yes, he definitely knew what to do now. He picked up the needle and went looking for thread.

Once he found some, carefully avoiding Thorin's wary, curious look, he headed back upstairs. He was extremely lucky; Kili had gone out to go find Ori, most likely to brag about his latest prank.

Pulling out his brother's breeches, Fili bit his tongue. He had never sewn before. He had faint memories of watching his Mother, Dis, sew when he had been three or so. Kili had not been born yet.

_Fili watched curiously as Mother sewed, gracefully and nonchalantly. "How do you do that?" he asked at last, unable to contain his curiosity._

_Mother looked up and smiled. "It's not hard, once you practice a lot."_

_"Doesn't it hurt your fingers?" Fili glanced warily at the needle in Mother's hands._

_Mother chuckled. "Only if you poke yourself. That's why you need to be careful."_

Fili pulled the thread through the needle hole, biting his lip and thinking, _All right, Fili. It's not that hard. If Mother could do it, so can you._

"Ow!"

Fili scowled at the pin prick that was now on his finger. He needed to be careful. The task took a while, considering that he had to sew every single pair of breeches his brother had. When he finished, he folded them back up.

The breeches were now complete. Fili had sewn the bottom pants leg holes, both ones, on every breeches. Now, when and if Kili tried to wear them, he would not be able to for his leg wouldn't go through, and his foot would hit the part sewn together.

Then Fili realized that he would have to sew Thorin's breeches too, just in case Kili became desperate enough to 'borrow' their uncle's. With a sigh, Fili headed over to Thorin's room and began working as well.

It would be worth it, he mused to himself. He grinned. Watching Kili fail to put on his own breeches ... he smirked. Yes, definitely worth it.

* * *

"Huh?" Kili frowned as his foot hit a solid wall-like thing. He takes it back out and then puts it back in, eyebrows furrowing when it stopped again. "What in the ..." He took them off and then looked carefully.

The pants leg hole, each one (two for one for one pair of breeches) had been sewn together, almost clasping the cloth together so that he would not be able to fit his foot in where it was originally supposed to go.

Outrageous.

Furious, Kili threw them down, and stomped downstairs, not considering the fact that he was half-_au natural_.

"Fili!" he roared.

Fili looked up from his breakfast alone at the table. Thorin had not come downstairs yet. Fili raised his eyebrows. "Wear some clothes, brother. There is a rule, you know, about politeness."

Kili snarled.

Then a yell came from upstairs.

"FILI! YOU GET OVER HERE!" Thorin bellowed, stomping down the stairs and wearing the same breeches as yesterday. At least he had remembered to wear clothing. "Fili," Thorin breathed, face red with embarrassment and fury.

"Excuse me," Fili said to no one in particular.

Then he turned and darted out the door, leaving two dwarves after his blood.

* * *

**End of Chapter Six**

**Author's Note: Well, I hope you enjoyed! I added a bit of Bofur and some Bifur in it. I hope that was okay. Please REVIEW! Ideas would be nice!**


	7. Squirrels, Feathers, Honey, and Nuts

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. This story is not meant to violate the rights held by New Line, Tolkien Enterprises, nor any other licensee, nor is any disrespect intended.**

**Author's Note: Well, here's another chapter! Thank you so much to those who reviewed, followed, read, and favourited! Love you all! Please REVIEW at the end of this one as well! They keep my Muse going. ;)**

**Chapter Seven**

* * *

Kili was hatching an evil plan.

Revenge was needed for sewing his breeches together. He and his uncle had finally ripped them all apart, and they had been sweating and panting after that - it was harder than it seemed. Fili had been laughing all the while, just out of reach on the wardrobe shelf - just high enough so that Kili or Thorin couldn't reach him.

Thorin had tried to get him down, of course, and had given up after an hour that involved threats, laughter, taunts, and snarls. Fili had proceeded to sit there for the rest of the day, starving himself, until Thorin had relented and said, '_Fili, come down now and I will promise that neither your brother or I will skin you alive, no matter how much I want to_'.

Kili was pretty sure that hadn't been too reassuring to his brother, but perhaps it was the hunger that had gotten him. Fili had nodded and came down and Kili had struggled to keep himself from ripping his brother's head off - he was pretty sure Thorin would disapprove of that.

But right now, it was not the time to dwell on Fili's prank, no matter how _darn _annoying it had been. Right now, it was the time for revenge. Kili smirked as he jotted down a few more notes onto his short scroll of parchment. Then he chewed the end of the quill, then spat it out. It tasted disgusting.

Then he grinned. His plan was ready. All he needed were nuts, honey, feathers, and the most important part of the plan - squirrels.

He put on his boots and called to his uncle, "Uncle, I'm going outside for a walk!" He heard a grunt for a response, took that as a 'yes' and headed out. He was going squirrel-hunting.

But he needed someone to help - it would take too long if he did it himself. So he headed toward Mister Dori, Mister Nori, and Ori's house - a small stone hut in the village the dwarves lived in, in Ered Luin.

Kili knocked the door once, then twice. He was careful not to continue knocking repeatedly; Dori had given him a tongue-lashing and it had been ... memorable. He was not so eager to get another one. Nori just grumbled, but Mister Dori ... he was a Mother Hen.

The door opened, and Dori looked at him for a few moments before saying, "What do you need, lad?" He was clearly full of suspicion.

Kili grimaced. "I was hoping that Ori wasn't busy at the moment?" he asked, keeping his tone polite. It would not bode well if he got on Mister Dori's bad side.

Dori sighed and said, "Planning something again, lad?" he asked with a half-smirk as he opened door. He gestured for Kili to step in. Kili took off his boots, knowing that Mister Dori would have a fit if he tracked mud into the house. "What prank is it this time?"

Kili stared. "Er, I-" he stammered, unsure of what to say.

Then Dori grinned. "I'm only jesting, lad. I don't know a thing," he chuckled. "Go on, Ori's upstairs. Reading another scroll, no doubt. If only Nori could be like that instead of getting arrested all the time ..."

_I didn't know Mister Dori had a sense of humor_, Kili though, leaving Dori to his thoughts and headed upstairs. He knocked on the door that had the name 'Ori' scrawled on it. It was no doubt his friend's room.

"What is it, Nori?" Ori sounded irritated, a tone of voice the young dwarf rarely used. "I told you, I'm not helping you steal from the market! You know that Dori will yell again!"

"You've got the wrong person, Ori," Kili called through the door. "Let me in!"

There was a moment of silence before the door opened. "Kili?" Ori frowned. "What are you doing here?"

Kili invited himself into his friend's room and kicked aside the pile of folded clothing that blocked the pathway to the comfortable-looking bed, ignoring his friend's indignant sputter.

"Do you know how long it took me to fold all of that?" Ori hissed, picking them up desperately. "Dori won't be too pleased when he sees this mess, you know!"

_Dori's a Mother Hen and nothing else_, Kili thought, but wisely didn't voice his thought. Instead, he said, "I need your help."

Ori raised an eyebrow, looking suspicious. "In what?" he inquired. He had been involved more than enough in his friend's prank in his point of view.

Kili smirked. "Squirrel-hunting."

* * *

Kili carried the squirming sack past Thorin, muttering a quick, "Good evening, Uncle," and hurrying upstairs to Fili's room. He ignored the look on Thorin's face - it was a mixed expression of horror and fear of Kili's latest prank. Kili sniggered when he heard the door to Thorin's room slam; it seemed his uncle was smart enough to stay locked inside his room before the prank took place.

Luckily, his brother had gone out for training with Dwalin which gave Kili plenty of time. Fili would be back before dinner though, so hurrying would be smart. Kili quickly filled two buckets with honey, feather, and smashed-up nuts. He quickly placed the buckets on the top of the door - this was his revenge.

Kili climbed up onto the wardrobe and sat with the still wriggling bag in his grasp - it would not be long until Fili returned.

Kili smirked.

* * *

Fili entered the house with a sigh, relieved that training was over. He enjoyed sparring with Dwalin, but it was tiring. Very tiring.

He opened the door to his room and _SWOOSH!_

He sputtered as something sticky and wet drenched him. Gasping and wiping away the liquid from his eyes, he frowned. Honey? Feathers and nuts were stuck to his clothing - not the greatest combination. There were chitters and the sound of squirrels.

Fili knew that he was going mad. But then he looked up and saw his brother releasing squirrels from a bag, letting them leap toward his brother who had nuts stuck to him.

Fili gulped. The squirrels sprang for the nuts. With a shriek, Fili turned and ran. Those squirrel did look very hungry. Behind him, he heard Kili's laughter and he cursed his stupidity for letting his guard down.

* * *

Thorin sighed, watching his eldest nephew run out the door, covered in honey, feathers and - were those nuts? He frowned. Squirrels chased after him and Kili ran out as well.

Thorin sighed once more and lay down on his bed and closed his eyes. He knew that it had been a good idea to stay locked in his room until he was safe. He couldn't help but smirk as he heard Fili snarling at his brother, who was still laughing.

Those boys gave him gray hairs.

Thorin shook his head, exasperated.

* * *

_Just so you know, a message from Kili: There were no 'Fili's hurt in the making of this chapter._

* * *

**End of Chapter Seven**

**Author's Note: Well, how was that? Please REVIEW! I hope that was funny, I still don't think I'm very good at humor ... Please REVIEW and let me know your thoughts on this one! Hopefully the next chapter will be up by next week.**


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